Clothes That Exercise For You
Posted on 11 January 2011
I almost bought toning shoes once.
To be fair, they were the less offensive New Balance variety, and I was a vulnerable, newly-minted bride-to-be, convinced I needed to get gown ready in a few short months. What better way than to squeeze a power walk into my lunch break? And yeah, I just said “power walk” and “gown ready.” What do you want from me? I’M VULNERABLE.
Anyway, my resolution was quashed when, on my second walk, a homeless guy threw up on me. Lunch time walks were just too dangerous a proposition after that. And since I don’t need performance footwear to eat microwave pizza at my desk while surfing the web (or do I?), out went my interest in those fancy new shoes.
I was starting to forget about the whole toning craze, or at least get to a point where the commercials no longer caught my attention/made me feel fat and lazy, when I saw Reebok’s updated EasyTone ad, introducing their new line of toning apparel.
Toning. Apparel. WTF?
Okay I’m obviously stupid enough to have believed there was a remote possibility that shoes could turn a pear shape into something, anything else. But stretch pants and racerback tanks that tone your body? Really? Now they’re just being mean.
I know these clothes were probably made by tiny little hands, but do they also come with tiny little hands? Ones that pull you off the couch and push you onto the treadmill, like some menacing puppeteer (with good intentions, of course)? Do these clothes mock you when you’re being slow and lazy like my 7th grade P.E. teacher on one-mile-run days? Holy crap, are these clothes alive?
Obviously, there’s no scientific evidence to support claims that toning apparel actually does anything at all. Some say the resistance bands in the fabric restrict your movement just enough that your muscles have to work harder. They also swear these clothes make your butt look cute while working out, since they hold everything in real tight.
If I wanted to restrict my movement during exercise, I’d just wear jeans and go for a jog like I once saw my dad do in the 80s. Cheaper and funnier. Also, more fabric between me and bum vomit.
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